Silence or noise?

When i was somewhere near finishing the first draft of this sketch, i was reminded of that scene from the movie Dil Chahta Hai (oh how i just adore that one!!), where Sid (Akshaye Khanna) shows his work to Tara (Dimple Kapadia) and she, while half wondering to herself, observes certain particularities about each canvas, one of which is about this man's eyes in one, "Inn band aankhon ke peeche kya chuppa hai, kaun jaanta hai?"
Funny how certain things remain dormant inside us and then flash across our minds so vividly that the time lapse seems to pale. How events scattered so randomly across time and space, with no obvious relations as such, suddenly click, fall in place and seem like long lost brothers (or sisters, for the feminists) meeting again.

I firmly believe that our minds don't miss a thing. Not even the whisper of the walls. How aware we are of that data mine, lies proportionately to how much in tune we are with our own selves. Do we focus on the noise or the silence? And when an adequately aware event of past collides with one happening right here, boom!
How often does that happen with you? And it's not strictly deja vu that i'm talking about, of which i've had eerily high number of instances.
And needless to say, closed eyes intrigue me as much they do when light filters through them.


Tonight i leave you with a classic, Billy Joel's signature song, which never ever fails to enthrall me. I'm sure it won't disappoint you either. Mind you, it's a bit long and you can only do justice to it if you quit everything else that you're doing and close your eyes (ahaa!) and let the words carry you away. Ladies and gentleman, the Piano Man...


It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The Regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin

He says, "Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes.


Sing us a song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place.


Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be for life

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doin' here?"
Sing us a song you're the piano man 
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody 
And you got us feeling alright..."

Life-Lines.

"I think it's important to be irreverent and make a point of not meeting other people's expectations."
- Natalie Portman


"There's no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
- Chris McCandless


"Along the way, education is trampled by degrees, work compromised by ambitions, love wasted by priorities, spirituality by religion and every philosophy of life laid barren by a paucity of insight."
- Aseembhai

Where the Road took me - 1

I pinched myself. Ou...oh boy!! I really was traveling; all on my own! I'd always dreamed of setting off on my own, in a roadways bus, with nothing familiar in sight. And whatever was, blurring away quite speedily.
And here i was. After saying bye bye to Bimaroo and a senti call to Naazuk kali (and of course assuring my Maa that i was sitting in the right bus), i was leading the CTU bus to Ambala at full throttle. There's something about being a passenger in a Roadways bus. The simple rawness of the situation rips off all the undue and superficial layers which tend to gather over us over time. The harsh thrumming of the engine wraps the passenger lot in a cocoon of white noise which nothing can trespass. And the stares on spotting a 'shehri ladki', go without saying i'd think. (No i didn't go and sit with a woman. I simply sat where i wanted to. My stare was enough to smolder the rest.)


Reached Ambala Cantt station in a dire need of washroom, which was met with a women's public toilet WITHOUT a door. The woman in-charge there failed to comprehend the spot i was in. "Arre yahan kaunsa koi mard hai, chale jao." So i did my stuff very quickly and fled.

I boarded the train to hear a small kid pestering his mom querying about the filming on the a/c bogey's windows. I rescued the now irked mother by telling the kid that they were the 'train's sunglasses'. That seemed to end his curiosity. The sojourn to Haridwar went smooth and cool. The scenic landscapes of warm yellow and mellowed green lifted my spirit and set the tone i needed for the trip.

My reading of the American's sly atrocities on the world (Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein. A must-read), was punctuated by sweet talks of the too-much-in-love couple next to me; the details of which i shall choose not to disclose.

Haridwar greeted me with an onslaught of hot winds and a merciless sun. Quite an unwelcoming weather and i wondered why and how so many devotees visit this place in this season. Waited for around 20mins at the bus stand while watching people coming down from upper reaches covered in such heavy woollens that i broke into a shiver. A funny thing i saw there was vendors selling cucumbers, all peeled and cut into long pieces, ready-to-eat serving. Never seen it like that before!

The bus was a medium-sized one and again i led from the front (seat). The chhoras were fukras who were trying to impress the 'shehri ladki', which was soon thwarted by 'the look' from moi. After around 2hours in the breadbox, i touched Kotdwar; where my hosts were waiting for me in their car.

The drive to Lansdowne was a fast ascension with the air turning cooler at every turn. One goes from 650m above the sea level, to 1710m in less than an hour. But the road has been laid in such a way that the textbook symptoms of altitude sickness lurk nowhere. Twas the first time i was seeing mountains awashed washed in hues of spring and my eyes just didn't want to blink. It gives a sweet joy to spot a burst of orange here and purple there across the green landscape. Little did i know, that this was just a trailer.
Lansdowne and beyond, i shall leave that for more upcoming lazy afternoons. I leave with a song which encapsulates my state throughout this trip. It's a song by John Denver, titled 'Looking for space'.


On the road of experience, I'm trying to find my own way.
Sometimes I wish that I could fly away
When I think that I'm moving, suddently things stand still
I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

All alone in the universe, sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center, suddently everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams


On the road of experience, join in the living day
if there's an answer, it's just that it's just that way

When you're looking for space
And to find out who you are
When you're looking to try and reach the stars
It's a sweet, sweet sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
But sometimes I'm deep in despair
Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
like an eagle
I go flying flying.. :D

The Pedestal.

The symphony broke
The crash, disrupted.
Too high, too long it had stood
The questions didn't reach.
Too many, too soon had rested,
The love was lost, everyone a leech.
The chain brough em together
But wrangled their necks,
A lifetime of role plays
The captain never came down to the deck.
Now when the dust settled
Hands held under an equal sky
Not just could they listen,
But the Eyes had never seen so clear.

-est no more.

There's an effort i've been trying to make off recent. The going aint that easy but the resistance is more external than internal, which, at least for me, makes the endeavor a tad easier. You see, the biggest fight is me against me. The world takes the cue from there.
It's a resolve to shun Superlatives, as much as i can. The urge to slot things/ relationships/ events/ feelings/ thoughts and almost any kind of experience that we undergo, into that one, which one rules the list, which overshadows all other of its kiln. To make a statement of such indomitableness that topping it would be next to impossible. Ever. And that's where i start getting uncomfortable.
I understand that a lot of times we pass such statements in an extreme state, good or bad. But how long does it stay? The status granted is as ethereal as that fleeting moment of unusual affairs. But the words remain. And live up to them, you have to. Expectations are created. And like their doomed fate, crashed and failed. Why start the whole cycle? Why not simply leave it to your deeds to declare what you feel? Why let the pedestals stand on the quicksand?
It's like 'never say never'. And that reminds of the song itself which goes by these words. The lyrics of which go like this:


Some things we don't talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we're falling in and out of love
the same damn problem

together all the while
you can never say never
why we don't know when
time and time again
younger now then we were before
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

picture, you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
i will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

we're falling apart
and coming together again and again
we're coming apart
but we pull it together
pull it together, together again

don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go...


The night seems set to release us, the drops fall and we fall with 'em.

Cookie Crumbs

The sun's glow tapered over the window sil, my eyes danced with the birds.
The fan squeaks and the floor betrays my shift inside.
I look down to find sun's fingers tease an empty plate.
Oh, not so empty.
My finger skates across the porcelain, collecting cookie crumbs as it slides.
Oh, not crumbs, but memories.
An accidental chocochip, a rejected raisin - all memories.
Laughs cracked and pains eased,
Achievements cheered and cuts healed.
Stories exchanged and disappointments baled,
Arguments inticed and fatigues paled.
Hearts; broken and melted,
Shaken and united.
The wind of the dusk brings me back,
The memories now, dusted and rearranged on the rack.

Breads leave behind crumbs too. So do cakes. And so do many other scrumptious edibles. But the Cookie has been chosen for a special reason. Apart from the age-long fascination i've had with these diskettes and my ambition to cook the perfectly gooey, warm and at the same time crispy batch, i had additional interests too. The Cookie, to me, symbolizes innocence, frolic and instant smiles. It's one of those simple joys of life which make several moments more bearable or memorable as the case may be.

My Cookie imagery? A scraped knee, a glass of chocolate milk, a mother's hug, the sting of dettol and the Cookie - the perfect tiny packet of bliss. And memories. :)

The bluest Eyes in Texas..

This is the first sketch i attempted without a subject or sketch book to refer to. It's all my raw imagination. I love eyes...oh yeah! The windows to the soul, the lie-detector, the one who betray your tongue every time it tries to get away with mischief, of any kind and any degree. The eyes know it all and, worse or for bad, tell it all. I guess they must be a woman then! Heehee! :D
Don't wanna tamper with this baby of mine, so i'm just gonna sign off with the lyrics to the song which adorns the title. It's by an American country music band called Restless Heart. A haunting, sensual song...never fails to connect.

"That lonesome Texas sun was setting slow,
And in the rearview mirror I watched it go.
I can still see the wind in her golden hair,
I close my eyes for a moment, and I'm still there.

The bluest eyes in Texas,
Are haunting me tonight.
Like the stars that fill the midnight sky,
Her memory fills my mind.
Where did I go wrong?
Did I wait too long?
Or can I make it right?
The bluest eyes in Texas,
Are haunting me tonight.

Another town, another hotel room.
Another dream that ended way too soon.
Left me lonely, prayin' for the dawn.
Searching for the strength to carry on.

For every heart you break,
You pay a price.
But I can't forget the tears,
In her blue eyes.

The bluest eyes in Texas,
Are haunting me tonight."

May the Moon's grace be upon you tonight. :)

Aleph

So what brings me here? Giving in to the hazy lethargy of this weather i could simply get away with saying stuff like, "Had nothing better to do", "Everybody is doing it (bleh! How i hate this statement)", etc. Or as some of the readers, already familiar with me and my ways, might be thinking, "Oh boy! As if those nonsensical, distorted texts weren't enough." But the reason, my unwilling sufferers, lies somewhere else.


My presence here is the coagulation of interspersed events - events so minuscule that you might want to curse my rather sharp memory. For the sake of maintaining sanity of all, i shall not delve into those events. And now that we have lasted a while here, let us begin. :D


For those wondering, the title of this post is the First letter (hence the title) of Phoenician (a descendant of Proto-Canaanite language) and also happens to be the Title of Paulo Coelho's latest (highly anticipated) book, soon to be found at a bookstore near you. I love words from ancient languages. They always carry a deep sense of mystery, wisdom as well as tenderness. Each with their own story, which can reveal volumes about where we come from. This Phoenician letter fathered the Greek 'Alpha', which i presume all of us are familiar with. Reminds me of a funny story behind how the word 'Jugni' came into being, but i shall shelve that for later tortures.


Since this is my first attempt, let me simply explain the line at the bottom of my blog's name (i know, i know. Ive cheesed off certain persons with the umpteenth repetition of the words contained in the name. Kya karein yaar, control hi ni hunda :P).
Abolishment is what I've set for. Abolishment of this 'I' and 'me' of this Being i've been endowed with. There's a need to be Conscious and to distill each thought, feeling, belief, word, action-interaction-reaction and non-action. It's a quest to rise. Rise above the clutches of this wanton Ego that grips my potential and my consciousness. I can literally visualize the whole process and the very thought ensures a peaceful sleep for me tonight. Makes me wonder how many have actually made it to this line. Oh well, at least i contributed to a blissful sleep for someone. Aspects and implications of this pilgrimage will be taken up by me in later posts.


I shall leave for tonight with lyrics of a song by Jet, an Australian rock band, titled 'Look what you've done', Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite. :)


"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone..."